liberated

I feel better today. For the past half a year or so, I’ve been carrying a heavy weight around with me and it was really dragging me down. but I feel liberated today. I finally went for Confession after a long time. The last was before Confirmation. Or maybe once after that. But I’ve been avoiding it for quite a while now honestly. Its embarrassing to tell anyone your mistakes. Its hard to admit them to yourself most of the time. We tend to brush things off and say that ‘Everyone else lies, everyone else cheats, everyone else does……etc.etc.’.

But just because everyone does it does not make it right. And after my huge blunder yesterday morning, I had to spill my guts. The guilt ate me up inside. The very thought of what i did makes me want to delete my memory of yesterday. But I can’t. I have to deal with it and make my amends.

After really, truly examining my conscience last night I wrote down a list of what I wanted to tell the priest today. I’m not sure if my other Catholic friends have gone through this but when i go into the confessional box, I forget what I was going to say. I forget or clam up and hide stuff because its embarrassing. Writing it down always helps. I wrote down my list and during early morning mass I stepped into the confessional.

At first I just felt horribly guilty and sick with myself. Then the priest talked to me. Its the first time I’ve had actual counseling during confession. Normally I only get simple advice but today it was different. God really knew I needed that counseling. The priest asked me to think of why I felt the way I felt and the reason I did what I did. And what I said, what fell out of my mouth was unexpected. The resentment and hurt, I was not ready to say that to anyone. And it felt good. It felt great, amazing even to tell someone honestly how I truly felt. For the first time, I cried during confession. Today I felt different. Listening to what Father had to tell me about myself and who I can be was the energy boost I needed.

Normally its just a “phew, that’s done with”. I guess being a lukewarm Catholic its what most of us do. We treat Confession as a ‘touch ‘n go’ moment; something we need to do to feel better. But today it felt like God was there with me. He was there holding my hand and helping through it. He was there to help me with my hurt.

It felt so good to go through that. I’m so glad I finally did. I’m so glad I finally had the chance to wash my soul clean of the pain, the darkness, the bitterness, the anger. It was good to feel … cleansed. I don’t know whether you’ve had that moment in life where you just feel so much better. Its such a liberating feeling. I feel like my chains of sin and the burden I’ve carried for so long has been taken away. I feel loved.

I know its hard to understand. Its something you have to experience to understand. Its just so.. “wow”. Its indescribable. And I’m grateful that I did go for confession. I’m grateful I have this sacrament to go to when I need to feel God in my life. Sometimes you need to sink to the lowest point in order to get back up.

Its like that story “Footprints in the sand” when this person, when he dies, sees his life as footprints in the sand. He sees the two sets of footprints walking side by side and he knows that’s when God walks with him. But he notices that there are areas where there’s only one set of footprints and those where the times in his life where he felt the worst. The lowest of lows. He turns to God and asks “How could you leave me when I needed you most? Why weren’t you there?” And God tells him that at those times in life there was only one set of footprints because God carried him through it. It feels like that right now. And I’m glad for it.

insert scream here

I had practice in church today. the musical practice. and boy, was i ANNOYED the whole time. It was so frustrating. I had to repeat my part 7,8,9 times! or more!! Because our dear darling director couldn’t hear me hum at first. then Tim had to mess up his lines. again and again. and again. I was in tears. It took such self control not to explode. I am feeling pretty raw today. After yesterday my feelings were on the surface and I was ohsoclose to stamping my foot and leaving. At one point I yelled I QUIT and meant it. I meant it with every fiber in my being. Gosh the frustration was hard to bear.

Then he went off on everyone else. How Tim didn’t know his lines or got confused, how Justin didn’t memorise everything perfectly. How Audrey didn’t act well enough. PLEASE!! its not like YOU memorised everything. Its not like you’re on top of everything. Cut us some slack.Its tiring. Its 1 hour and a half of non stop acting and singing and everything else. Its TIRING. and you’re tiresome.

Thank God for Mel who helped me calm down. And the rest of the cast who did feel the frustration of repeating scenes. Its enough to cause your blood to boil. Literally. I hated today’s practice.

I guess its my fault for being overly sensitive. I’m going to work on that. I guess being a director is hard especially since we only have 8 weeks left. and we’re taking next week off. It must be tough and a lot of pressure on his shoulders. but with me feeling really crappy this week getting scrutinised was not something I wanted. I was so fed up. I’m glad we have a break. I’ll calm down and be reasonable in two weeks.

Today wasn’t a particularly great day for me. I did something in the morning that I’m going to curse myself forever for. Its a big deal. i promised myself that I would never do it again but I did. Lord help me. I just feel so dirty for doing it. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could change it but I can’t. I can only hope for mercy and help. I’m sorry I did it. I REALLY REALLY REALLY am. :S

enough

isn’t it irritating sometimes to have parents?
doesn’t it drive you INSANE to have people nag at you for not being perfect?

It drives me crazy when my mom goes all “noble” and complain that I don’t help out. I help out. She highlights the little things I don’t do but when i DO help, she blows it out of proportion. I hate it. I hate her right now. I know I’m overreacting. I’m angry. I’m mad that she never asks for help but gets angry when its not given. How am I suppose to know that I’m suppose to help? How am I suppose to know?

Its annoying to hear that when she was my age, she was working and supporting her family. SHUT UP ABOUT IT! i KNOW the story. I KNOW how hard she’s worked.

I hate how she complains to my father who backs her up (of course he does) LOUDLY so Aaron and I can hear her clearly. She KNOWS how much it hurts us when she nags us like that. She KNOWS how much it annoys us.

I wish I wasn’t here right now. I wish I was anywhere but here.

fun stuff

I’m feeling slightly better today than I did yesterday. I’m still having the crummy flu but I feel kinda better emotionally. I’m in a better place so to speak.

Here are some random pictures I should have put up a while ago. bad quality since its from my hp.

I went out with Azlyn and our piano teacher who rocks socks, Ms Donna. We went to MPO for the Vienna Weekend. It was VERY worth the RM40.

The gorgeous ceiling of the concert hall

The orchestra. I couldn't take a better shot. NO CAMERAS! haha

The program book. I didn't buy one but snapped a picture of my teacher's copy

And here’s a picture of my bed cover. My mom changed it today and it has chemical equations. haha.

chemical equations

Here’s a picture of Tiny. She’s good at looking cute when I take her photo.

tiny

I feel alright now. Its nice to feel nice.

lots of love from flu-land

That show makes me smile. Its a quite a good watch. I told you this a while ago actually. I’m having a flu right now so I forgive myself for being silly.

Here’s another one.

I wish I sounded like Lea Michele.

I wonder how many of you are actually going to watch the videos I put up.
Holler at the COMMENT button.

routineless days

Lately I’ve been doing nothing much. I know, I’m wasting away. I miss school though. I miss having to study, I miss having my friends around everyday. It sucks not having that consistency in life. BUT i just noticed that college intakes for pre-u programs are early this year. early in march. SO maybe there results will come out early too. I know most of you don’t want it to but I do. I’m tired of waiting around. I want something to do. I am trying to focus on the UNDANG UNDANG stuff but its SO boring!

I love school. I love having to go to school. I hate having absolutely nothing interesting to fill my day. I like having time to do what I like but now, its tiresome. Very very very tiresome.
January is coming to an end. Hopefully the results will be out in Feb.

:/

life

During an operation to fix spina bifida in Aug

During a spina bifida surgery in July

Are babies not alive? Are babies not humans?
The pictures above may be graphic but it shows how real the child is. The pictures were taken in 1999, Jul 1 and Aug 19 respectively. As both children were found to have spina bifida. (Spina bifida is a disease were a baby developing inside its mother’s womb has a small lesion on its back exposing the spinal column. While the baby swims around the womb it hits the uterus walls and if the exposed spinal column hits the uterus walls the spinal nerves can be damaged. By the time the baby is brought to term irreversible damage is done. The results differ depending on the extent of the harm with some children being able to control their bowels and walk using crutches but others are forced to use wheel chairs, suffer from learning problems and endure endless operations to fix chronic life threatening issues.)

In both situations, doctors operated on the baby to fix the problem and in both cases, the child’s arm reached out and touched the doctor. Just seeing the pictures, people see how human the baby is. Babies are not property. It is no one’s right to ‘get rid’ of a child because they are not property. They are life.

For baby Sarah:
The Switzer baby shot was taken by photographer Max Aguilera-Hellweg for LIFE magazine. During the, July 1, 1999, operation he captured the moment Dr. Bruner gently placed Sarah Marie’s hand back into the uterus. “She’s going to be beautiful,” he recalled saying.

Her parents would agree when on August 22, 1999 almost two months after having the surgery Sarah Marie Switzer was born. Born nine weeks premature, doctors were amazed at the health of the baby and allowed Sarah Marie to go home with her parents in early Sept. Sarah Marie showed none of the signs of extreme spina bifida and even kicked her legs as an infant rare in most spina bifida patients.

For baby Samuel:
As a doctor asked me what speed of film I was using, out of the corner of my eye I saw the uterus shake, but no one’s hands were near it. It was shaking from within. Suddenly, an entire arm thrust out of the opening, then pulled back until just a little hand was showing. The doctor reached over and lifted the hand, which reacted and squeezed the doctor’s finger. As if testing for strength, the doctor shook the tiny fist. Samuel held firm. I took the picture! Wow! It happened so fast that the nurse standing next to me asked, “What happened?” “The child reached out,” I said. “Oh. They do that all the time,” she responded. by Michael Clancy

Go here for more information:
http://www.famouspictures.org/mag/index.php?title=Fetus_hand_reaches_out
http://www.michaelclancy.com/

ProLIFE

Why Cupcakes?

Simply because everyone wants them!

Cupcakes were designed for children’s birthday parties. We love Children and we love birthdays. We think this would be a good way to tell people that we think that every child should be allowed to have a birthday.

Bring in a tray of cupcakes for any group of people and you will find that they will flock to get them. As soon as they take a bite they will probably ask, “Who’s birthday is it?”

Then you answer. “It’s no ones birthday. These cupcakes represent the 50,000,000 children who weren’t allowed to be born, who never had a birthday.” The cake in their mouth will become dry and the moment will hopefully become quite somber. Then you say, “If you and I were aborted we wouldn’t have a birthday party either.”

The idea behind www.CupCakesForlife.com is to spread the terrible truth about the assault on the unborn in a thoughtful, unique, and kind way.

I am prolife. I love the fact that each child is an individual who matters. I love the fact that God loves each and everyone of us. He created us for a purpose and we all matter. Each baby, each person. But till today, 50,000,000 babies or more have been aborted. We have lost prime ministers, doctors, nurses, engineers, teachers, future spouses because of the choice that some women made. Its sad how we’ve lost friends.

Abortion isn’t pretty. Do you know how the baby is murdered? They either vacuum the baby out Or poisons him or her Or breaks the child’s body into pieces before it is sucked out. Its murder. We put people in jail for killing people. Why not for killing a helpless, sinless and unprotected child? If someone asked if they could kill your one day old baby or even your one second old child, would you let them? Of course not. you’d defend your son or daughter with all your might.

Then defend the baby who hasn’t had a chance to celebrate his or her birthday.
Defend the helpless unborn who might be the one to change the world.
Defend the young mothers who are pressured to “delete” their babies.
Choose life.

connected

I had a great time with my girl-friends from Form 4 and 5. I never expected that the people I’d miss the most are the people who I’ve only grown close to in two years. Surprising how you make such close connections to people so fast. I’m glad I had people I clicked with in the last two years of my high school life. They may not be the COF girls I’ve laughed, cried and fought with in the first three years of secondary school but they are the best people I know. They have showed me what being a friend means. And in some ways, the lack of drama (most of the days) were healthy for me. It was nice and refreshing to have people that I have no baggage with. Its a good feeling. I love them for being such good friends to me.

To Jess, please hang in there. You knew that your choices may lead to this so its time to face the music. Its a fact. But it’ll work out in the end. It always does. If you want to talk I’m here for you. So’s Suan Li, Mel and Luvvy. We’re always a call away.

I’m feeling better today than yesterday; I was being silly about a disappointment which clearly was my fault. I should have been more level headed about it. I think I’m okay right now. I’m coping better with it.

This could be the moment that turns into a lifetime.
Ah ah, ah ah ah, ah ah , ah ah
And always remember that your brighter days are up ahead (no regrets)
Squeeze them tight and don’t forget
Differences are differences
All the dreams in life that you’ve been letting go
Blink and then you’ll miss them and you’ll never know
Lifetime-Katharine McPhee

how

All I want is to be set free
From this pain that is haunting me
How by Katharine McPhee

I’m just feeling a little bummed out for a few reasons. Nothing really important just the usual hormonal imbalance. Can someone send me a pick me up?

Its just that I’ve been thinking of possibilities that make me happy, so happy that when I realise those possibilities won’t come true, it hurts even more. Its that balloon of excitement and joy that builds up inside, inflates so much and gets pricked by reality. Its a really bad sinking feeling.

Maybe I’m not trying enough. Maybe I should try to reach those possibilities that seem so very impossible. Maybe I should be grateful for where I am now. I have the new musical to fill my time, I have an amazing role in it. I am surrounded by loving family members and the best friends I could ask for. I should stop whining so much right?

But isn’t that what we all do? We make noise and stamp our feet expecting the world to give in to our every whim. Its human nature. I wish I didn’t do this so much but I do. Gosh.